first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
