he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
