I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i love accidental penises.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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