i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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