There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
