you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize