I used to practice getting hit by cars.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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