i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
