The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The feeling are messing with the penis
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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