the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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