Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
