it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
