you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
