I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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