I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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