Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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