When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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