So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize