i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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