i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
