alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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