worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
