I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
