I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
