dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
