I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
