thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
