hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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