remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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