I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
