I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
