thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
