I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
