If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
