is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
