I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
