how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
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