i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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