Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
