I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
