I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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