I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Randomize