Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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