When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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