I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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