i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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