i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
