dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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