Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
