I cockslap morals
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
