i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
