i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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