when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
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