i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
