Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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