why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
