My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
