Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The air was thick with penises
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
