Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Pants are for mortals
Randomize