i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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