So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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