My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
