I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
