DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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